…and I—I took the road most travelled by.
I suppose it’s that time of year when it is traditional to look back on the past year and indulge one’s self in some sort of assessment thereof. For me this is amplified by a few facts—first, I am swiftly closing in on retirement, and second, this is the end of the first decade of the 21st century—a period that at one time in my life seemed not only extremely remote, but almost impossible to conceive. And yet—here we are.
I am sure that it is clear to anyone who knows me—or anyone who has been reading this blog—that I tend to be a bit backward looking. This is hardly surprising—I was a late child of parents who were born in the early 20th century; my mother was born during the Great War, and three-fourths of my grandparents were born in the 19th century. Surrounded by reminiscences and ideas from earlier times, no wonder I tend to look more over my shoulder, as it were, than straight ahead. My preferred reading material and artwork all comes from the past, and even if I have come to love contemporary music, that does not mean that it in any way supplants that of times gone by. In fact, I have spent much of this holiday poring through old and forgotten scores, with a few wonderful discoveries along the way. (One of them, the lovely Serenata Cubana of Ignacio Cervantes, is attached to this post for your enjoyment.)
All things considered, it is sometimes difficult for me to face forward and plan the way ahead. This, perhaps, explains the tendency I have always had of falling into the deepest, most well-worn groove—with eyes and heart on the wonders of the forest left behind, it is not easy to place one’s steps altogether meaningfully. And so, perhaps, we know why I have spent almost thirty years doing work that was not fulfilling—struggling to have some sort of creative life with the scraps of time left to me after “making a living.” So, at the end of 2010, I cannot help but wonder whether I did the right thing; having studied what interested me, was it right of me to push it aside as a “hobby”? I don’t know, really—sometimes it is difficult to tell whether inertia or insecurity is the greatest inhibitor.
I do know, however, that I look forward to a time when I will be able to devote more time to that which I love most. If it was foolish of me to avoid the beloved road because I thought I was incapable or untalented, then it was foolish—it is too late to do anything about that. So, perhaps it makes more sense to look forward at the end of a new year rather than backward. After all, the road does not end, and who knows what intersections and destinations lie in the yellow wood ahead?
Best wishes for the new year to all!
